state the obvious;

- Currently thinking about the ugly truth..


everyday seems to go by fine. everyday seems to go by mundanely. where's the excitement? where's was that 'ummph' that i used to have. so many things to say, so little time.. whats left of this, which we all call friendship? whats left to belief, when truth to be told, we're living a lie? i just feel relentless torture. Signs made me belief the feeling was true, nevertheless, life told me that going down that road might not be possible.. its all neurosis. but i hope it isnt. maybe i will find that dream of being that special someone for that special someone who totally feels im their special someone, someday...

Dear Reader,

-

its not that i want you,

its not that i need you,

its because i have you,

you mean so much more..

-

take care from your true friend.

he better be perfect;

-currently hoping that i will someday be as lucky as you..


theres so much i have yet to tell you. but this time, i have to let go. when you first told me you had eyes for a new one, it somehow tug me a little. i couldnt find the words to say, and acted i was still steady. i know, i put you through the same thing before. and you had no complaints. anyways, i didnt know how much you meant to me till then. but i soon came to realise i was happy for you and pushed what i had felt aside. actually, im really happy for you now. theres only so much i can help you and i would do anything to help you anyways. i guess, if you care for someone, you would be happy for them no matter what..


but hey, all good things have to come to an end. but i never thought i would lose this. sometimes, when your name is mentioned, i would think about you for a moment. sometimes when you walk by me, i would take a peek with the corner of my eyes but only from a distance. though all of it has passed, why is there a wall that is holding me back from talking to you. sometimes i just wonder.. but no matter how much pain i caused you, im sorry.. and i hope hurting you is not the reason for you to remember me by. remember me by the guy who walked pass your life.. and took you along my journey to open up your mind and heart to the different feelings that love has to offer.. and i hope to hear from you from time to time..


who would have thought a bond like us that we had before would have ended. who would have thought, we came this far either.. we definitely had our moments. now, take those experience and use it in your new life.. dont hold back. and go on. dont do something you will regret, and knowing you, dont keep your feelings to yourself. no matter how corny it is, thats life..


after you read this, dont hesistate. go go go! there will be a time for us. so dun worry. im always there, root-ed to the arteries and vein of your heart. you cant take me out.. so, live with it. you have definitely left your mark on me.. but dont leave a mark on him. embed you on him. dont let go of your believes.. and im always here for support if you need any..

remember when i promised you i would be here no matter what?

i mean it. so dont forget..

lastly, i know how you are, dont always look down on yourself. you're capable of so much more. you have no idea how much you can do. so, do your thing, which you do best, capture the heart of your loved one. be strong and be confident.. and think positive right? this time, the time and place is already set for you. this time its clear.. this time its fate.. stay happy. i love it when you're happy. it makes me feel satisfied, and less work for me to do too.. haha..

you wont be lonely; when im here.

'there always light at the end of a tunnel'

I close both locks below the window

I close both blinds and turn away

Sometimes solutions aren't so simple

Sometimes good bye's the only way

-

'shaadow of the day- linkin park'

my love.

i will always be the same.

'this time - wonder girls'

tension;

- currently saving spit for later.

i dont know why, but i think i really am a functionary. my mouth blabber words only i understand. theres nothing i can put across to make someone get it anymore. im losing my mind. really frustrated. i really dont know what you want, im pretty sure you dont want this. and im pretty sure there nothing you would wanna sacrifice for this. so, feel free to slowly part.. im just wondering about, how am i going to sleep. my mind can't rest till i hear something solid to satisfy it. this too much, really. i have never felt like this before.. its somehow, a slow and very the least, painful, death.. i've completely lost who i am. and will never be the same again.. but as people say, time flies, we wouldnt know whats gonna happen.. sometimes i wish we were the way we used to be..

anyways,

today was a regular day. had two papers in the morning and free till the bell rang to go. have a week to study for one subject, its all good. after school, went out with some friends. these guys actuall made me feel better. firstly,i had to wait half an hour for sonia, simmren and 'you know who' to come down. i said hi to them but not 'you know who'. soon sonia pulled me to S.A. and then to seven eleven, then to S.A. again. while being there i waved to 'you know who'.. she waved back. so it was all good. then, syaz came and wanted to eat in tanjung. so sure, we went. i didnt want to go as she was there. but i had to somehow. so i walked passed her and said hi. you dont know how red i felt.. my cheeks were burning. then, sonia, supposedly had to get ceadit. then she ask me to teman her (what an excuse). she did that on purpose so i would walk pass 'you know who'.. then when we came back, she was about to go back soon. i said bye to her.. and thsts the end to that..

'the anastatic - friends'

daus; his ridiculous piano skills

syaz; belum pro lagi.

but more pro than anyone in the room

sonia; my instructor. soon to be rockstar.

after dinner, we went to yamaha to play some guitar. but i dunno how to play. so i watched, and learnt how to play 'happy birthday'. after that daus came and showed us his piano skills. afeter that we all headed back to tanjung to lepak. after lepaking for quite sometime, it was time to part. so then we left, one by one.. and i went home last. as usual, i didnt want to bother anyone.

..listen to the light breeze

you feel that?

muder;

-currently trying to kill myself.


just when i realised im hurt enough, guess what smacked me in the face? a post about the ex boyfriend. really? how much more insecure can i get? how am i not supposed to be paranoid. sure, we have not enough problems right? yea, i guess we're doing great.

out of the mist of the pain, i come to read about;

"i still think of you, and still hopes for your call...

still remember my first this and that...

blablabla..."

im really tired. and im not having much breaks in between this chaos.. its like a never-ending flow of disasters. sometimes i just cant take it. sometime i just wished i could say, why dont you call him? if you are already weaiting for his calls. why dont you use a MILLION words to bring him back instead of thousands. why not cry another thousand drops of tears if he is all that worth it. why dont you just start over with him, spend another birthday with him, and pretend i was never alive.. hold on to his love forever.. remember all you want, if you carry on doing so, im not promising you anything anymore. i've suffered enough. theres only so much i can do. the damage is not repairable.. this just kills..

you once asked me,

why do i hang on after all the damaged you've caused...

now im asking you to ask yourself,

what have i not done to make him walk away...

i dont seem to have you to hold on to anymore.
what is there to believe in this, together anymore.

your post was not about us,

that's the peoblem..

i guess 'this is fate!' right?..

forgive what i said; im just moaning in pain.

unwell;

- currently reminiscing; missing her..


there are so many protestable thoughts in me to argue with you. im holding back to tell them all. i dont want you to hover further and further a way from me. remember the time you told mw not to tell anybody about what we do? then why do you tell random guys, about what happened to us? are they really your friends to tell? i just want to know..

driving on the freeway, till this song came on the radio. it came to me, and i had all my memories floooding back. maybe what im feeling now would go away. maybe im not over what i had to go through. but i know im not crazy. im just, unwell.

All day

Staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night

Hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on I'm feeling like I'm headed for a

Breakdown I don't know why

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Me

-

Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know

I know they've all been talking 'bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I've lost my mind

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

-

I been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me

Yeah, they're taking me away

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

-

I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be, Well I'm just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

-

'Unwell- Matchbox 20'

stay positive

tap-out;

i have too many bruises,

to keep fighting on like this

i'm falling hard

and i don't think im getting up soon

dont be like me,

get on; being you..

im sorry..

pain-prone;

smile, and tell me..

i am worried about that; but theres nothing i could say if you don't think i wouldnt. but go ahead, run away; lead your life, go your way..

when you look into my eyes, you really see that? i know i've given up alot. but you are reluctant to receive it full heartedly. you would still say its not fair; im always giving and not taking. its my choice to do that. but now, its not like that anymore.. its already mutual.. you have just as much pain as i do.. what you say is completely over-rated..

so you're saying its really hard; that means you want me to go? if that's what you mean, then just watch me.. remember : if you push, i go..

a propitiatory statement

its sticky;

- Currently having my back break on its own


i thought today was fine. i thought today was okay. but little did i know, i can't do what i wanted too. im afraid. afraid of what might happen to her. i tried standing strong. but after yesterady's sleepless night, that conversation with her mum, made my leg shake out of control; its hard enough to stand still. frequently getting lost starring into the mid-air, thinking, in a middle of a convo. friends did all they could to cheer me up.. some succeed but some just brought me back to square one..

"what are we going to do now.."

this question lingered in my mind and never got out. i searched for an answer from deep within yet my brain but failed to find a solution. a sudden change of plans; search my heart. after a long survey of options, there was never really a firm one.. all i thought about was what you wanted.. when i started to think about what i wanted, it was clear that i wanted you to still be a part of my life. its not fair, its really not.. but i would really want to make the best out of it.. theres too little time and so much more obstacles to get pass..

hmm...

if you ever want to tell me what you want to do. tell me in the face..

'i'm hanging on..'

'slip away in silence; so i don't hear...'

-

good as it may sound

i know myself that cant be

and i didnt feel bad about it till right then

had to remind her that we were just pretend

-

i said baby i want you

but stay with the real thing

i never loved you enough

see i only want you

but stay with the real thing

stay with the real thing

stay with your real life

'Ne-Yo - The Real Thing'

hush, dont ask me why ...