its been a long time since i did blog .. and im starting to lose the blogging spirit .. but there are some things i have yet to let out .. there's just too much to say. so i'd be pretty random with this... first of all , the nights seems much lonelier without you .. everynight , im alone , i've got no one to talk to , no one used to care as much as you did .. constant lectures and nags are starting to crush my spirit .. its like my parents have some thing against me or something .. why am i never good enough ? there are time's i sit by the phone , and in the pure silence of solitude , i could still remember your giggle .. but now , im just , me .. life seem pretty miserable .. giving up on everything i've know .. and why is everybody going away ? though there are times i have fun , but fun is only mommentary .. i smlie , cause everybody smiles .. everybody seem to have their perfect world , while me , im living in my perfect dream of a world .. everything i do , seems to have weighed me more .. and sleep gets less and less , my eyes would only close , but the sleep just wont fall deep .. morning showers cold like ice , the way i like it , to open up my eyes .. i tried to voice out once , then i tried again , but im not heard .. even my parents wont listen .. they just seem to have so much fun going at each other .. but the best part is , my closest friend seems to be my computer .. when i type , the words comes out , when i click it does exactly .. if only life was operated this way .. and sometimes , i might be trying too hard , forgive me , im just trying to find company .. Karma has its ways and im its victim .. its been fun having it around , now i want to live my own ..
you caught me so off guard .. im confused , but still , i stand strong in front of you , despite the pain in me .. times when i tried so hard to prove you wrong , you'd believe the unproven .. whats that ? what am i doing wrong ? though it might just be me from now , i wanna let you know , i had fallen for you .. but , i dont expect you to do the same . im running from here , to somewhere im less vulnerable ..
compromise the pain,
and you'd find joy ?
you dont have to be nice to me , if you think im that bad
its been too long since i blogged about something . so now, in the mist of boredom on the last day of 2009 , i took the initiative to put something up .. this year had been a rough roller coaster ride for me. nothing seem to last or ay of this year . i guess the feng sui book was right , this year for the dogs is particullarly hard as they lose alot in anything they owned .. so next year , im gonna read about those kinda stuff to give a heads up on how a hard headed taurus would do in 2010..
about 2009 ;
its bee a year which i definitely will miss . it was a hectic year , but in the middle of all the chaos , i got reattached to my friends again , closer than before .. i guess i didnt know how important they are before . but now i do .. they made my year a great 1. other than that , i guess this year i truly found love .. never had i fell so deep, but i am.. this time im not letting it go .. not so soon . theres so much to talk about this year , but im only limited to talk about some of them , as happy memories for me , would be explict for the little ones who reads this ..
im thankful for the chances that were given to me to experience many things .. theres not much i wouldnt do again for the next year .. but , let me tell you, we shall brace oursleves for 2010 , cause its the turning poimt right ? you know why ? its cause it is 2 years away from judgement day and 2 years after puberty .. so now puberty is out of the way , man up and face the world before its too late right ? ..
'what am i talking about ..'
theres only one regret ,
i never got a chance to realise my mistakes sooner,
i know my friends are probably gonna be pissed about this. but i have to let it out.. though i have been mad, and though i have been saying things i dont mean.. in the pure silence solitude. theres only you in my mind. im not over it.. but theres nothing i can do. i really miss you.. i know you've been dying to see me messed up like this, so here you go. look at me, and see that im nothing.. everything nowadays brings back memories, that tear up a whole in my heart. from the way you smile, the way you walk and your funny little laugh. i miss them all.. every morning, i take a photo of you out, and get a good look at you to make my day. sometimes, songs just kills me if they remind me of anything.. the song that burns most to hear is, Morning - Janice Vidal. this song was heard when i viewed your blog for the first time.. and it will never be the last time i'll hear it. other than that, the way i tend to over do things sometimes, reminds me of the way you tend to try and stop me from doing it. i just somehow miss you doing that. the cheeky-ness we once had, will not be forgotten by me. i love you for that, remember?
at night, sometimes i dream about holding you in my arms once more, looking into your eyes once more and even just be near you once more.. theres too many special things about you i cant explain, and too little time to think of any.. i know i had a bad breakdown, but its one mistake you hopefully can forgive. i didnt mean too, neither did i intend to force you away.. im sorry, sincerely. and i know being sincere is really important to you, well, this time i am.. and believe me when i say, i love you. people come and go, but once you had perfection, you wouldnt want anything else.. and i know you've found perfection, the love and tenderness you share with him. though it kills, i wish you guys all the best. and for him, take care of her, you wouldnt want to lose her, i promise.
a friend asked me, 'have you had an addiction or an obsession?'.. my answer was yes. but her next question was, 'have you cried so hard for that obsession that you forget about everything else?' i said 'no, but i have tried very hard to live without it.'.. so i guess that was my wake up call.. i had to try hard. but as hard as i try, i tend to end up like this once more. i cant bear this.. i cant.. but i'll remember the words you speak, and the promises you made.. time can only tell, for the blind like me, to see what we would become.. i'll miss you for more mornings to come. another two years wouldnt kill me to wait..
quote: ' if you dream about it hard enough, it would come true'
firstly, in these past few days, im dong okay. not great, but im okay. thank God for that.. and for the anger post which i deleted recently, im sorry about that again. i believe that anger is misdirected passion. so forgive me.. and i've been thinking a lot lately. 'about what?' you may ask.. but im no sure about the answer myself.. i could say im thinking about everything. but theres not enough space on earth to hold these thoughts together. i'm tired of thinking about irrelevant things..
anyways, after PMR which was tuesday not long ago if you still recall, we headed out to pyramid. it was with a few of my friends. though it wasnt really well planned. but i had a load of fun. when we got there, we went to TGI's for lunch. then soon after we walked around and i got my lip pierced. but my lip piercing didnt last very long though. i had to take it out due to parental explicit. after that, we had dinner at Carl's Junior and went back..after that we slept over at friends's houses. and now im back. didnt have much to do in school. but it was okay. had some friends there.
p.s.// theres so many things going on, what's real, and what's not? maybe my problems have compiled together and it is gonna run me like 80 mph truck.
the smiles will not be replaced
the hole tearing throungh my chest is only getting worst