my humdinger;

-Currently still hung-over thinking about our first kiss..


getting bored after breakfast. soon had my parents go to Shangri-la for dim sum.. after that, mum bought tons of mooncake to give away. i had to carry them.. not fair at all.. but before that, was hoping to get dim sum with my cousin sisters. they did not turn up; my uncle and aunty too. we are having a family prob, its no surprise they didnt show up.. kinda missing them..

'the ride was not fun'

anyways,

was looking at my phone the whole day, hoping for an answer/reply. did not get a response. starting to feel insecure. to tell you the truth, its no big deal.. its just that, i want you to be true to me. its not that, the problem is only yours. its mine too. why werent you willing to share with me?.. its not a big deal to me at all, its really not. and i over-reacted that day.. now, looking back, what i did was completely unneccessary.. i understand that its personal, but the problem is, i tried so hard to gain your trust, yet all you did was shadow me away from the truth. and now, you're pushing me away...

'everything seems to remind me of you..'

I'm still standing here, waiting..

Let's take that as a frivolous conversation

Let's do this together.

independence;

i am gonna be happy for today. cause today's independence day. today, Malaysia is 52 years old. the big 52! its not much, but its enough to be proud of. we've come so far since 1957, and now, look at us. better than ever.. living together and enjoying the different cultures of our friends. this makes us special.. and still going strong!!

im lucky enough to enjoy all the different food we have here. theres too little time to have them all. but as i grow with it, i will.. the food tastes great too. no matter what race, we share the same food and speak the same words; together... i eat, you eat, we eat together, in one Malaysia..

Happy 52nd Birthday, Malaysia!

-

Happy Independence Day, Malaysians!

"Bersama kita capai semua,

Satu Malaysia."

-

Satu Malaysia- AMP All-Stars.

heartache;

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right,
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I'm already gone"

' Kelly Clarkson - already gone '

beauty's a deceit;

im feeling frantic; why you may ask. the reason is, what if you had been deceive by the ones you loved?

i cleared my mind, and changed for you and us. i gave you every strand of care. and showered you with most of what i call, love. i gave up my everything for you. couldnt you give up one thing for me? or maybe i wasnt worthy of being trusted? i trusted you with all my heart. told you things that only i knew was right to tell.. but yet, you save youself and spare me the embarrassment.. the things you said made it so believable. it had to be, as i didnt expect nothing but the truth..

answer this:
what hurts more. an inconvinient truth? or finding out a lie on your own?

i was made to believe i wasnt the only one, till i found out i was all along. i was made to believe that i had grew strenght in me to pull through, till i found out it was only the adrenaline from the ecstacy; you.. the things i see and the things i felt, its clear to me now; it was never there to begin with.. i was a fool.. yet a fool could feel disgusted. do you think of him, when we did all those things together? was i the replacement? or am i just a toy?..

your eyes which i once known was brown, now its blue or grey. your smile which i once known was sincere, now holds a decieving purpose. your connection which i once felt, was just to make me a vulnerable target. the words you speak and the things you did, i wont forget. but was it all real to begin with? it hurts too much to be a dream; its hurts too much to be a nightmare either..

maybe there was a reason why God made me write down all those quotes. He gave me a heads-up on whats about to come. He tried to save me, but my heart was too stubborn to ressist. now i know what im made-of to become.. a no-one; in God's favour and in your heart..

DECEIT

' Hiding in the shadows,

Lying about your actions,

Can only take you so far..'

-

i really cant understand why.

dont you think i understand you?

.

But you put on quite a show,

Really had me going,

Curtain's finally closing,

That was quite a show,

Very entertaining,

But it's over now,

Go on and take a bow..

'Rihanna - Take a bow'

invidious joke;

reading through the net. found this short story. its invidious, so forgive me for you who are offended.

There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead. He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.

He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root. He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed:

"Dear lord, Please let this bear be a christian."

the bear sat down on its bum and held the mans hands, closed his eyes and said:

"Dear lord, Thank you for the food that i am about to recieve."

Had a laugh or so?

results;

okay, so i had my check up today. waited and waited... soon i got my doctor. he hits here hits there, squizes here squizes there, told me to do some squarts and what so ever. soon.. took me for an x-ray...

everything was fine. he said stay at home and rest for a week or two. my knee has just the smallest tissue tear ever. and my neck still has some tense vains causing it hard to turn. my elbow should be fne soon. and as for the bruises, they are all fine. just need to give it a daily massage. and to other injuries, they're minor. and will heal in no time. that wasnt as bad as i thought it would be.. i was afraid before.. but now, its nothing..

but just today, i found out that something has changed in me for the pass few days.. i have been eating excessively. i have been averaging two bowls of rice a meal and today, you wouldnt believe what i ate in three hours.

firstly, after my check up at SJMC, i went to subang parade for lunch with my cousin sis. so we were deciding on what to eat. my mum said Uncle Lim's. so sure, we went. i got a karipap, 2 three-quarter boiled eggs and an asam laksa. then i got thirsty and got a cham-ice. soon after lunch i walked around to see if there's anything to buy. sadly, no. but i did come across McDonalds. i got myself a large Spicy Chicken McDeluxe, set. i chowed down happily on that. soon, as i've done that, baskin robins was nearby. i got a double scoop cone, consisting of, chocolate mousse royale and world-class chocolate. that was the last thing i ate.. but dinner is in a few hours.. CAN'T WAIT!

"i think im growing!"

today, i got to eat so much is also because of the fasting month. if it wasnt for that, i think i would have to fight for food and jump queues. ahh.. what a day it has been..

and when i got home, i was thinking about 1 question... 'who is the hottest women i have ever lived to see'... though question huh. but the answer came up in a minute; Marilyn Monroe. she is no doubt the right choice.. i mean look at her, wouldnt any man want her?.. i mean, if she was educated then, yea, everyman would want her.. but sadly, she's dead.. and thankfully, im so over her..

-

" it is what it is,

it ain't what it ain't

don't make what it is what it ain't."

think about it...

-out-

reluctance;

in a about 1 or 2 days, i am going for a body check up. why you mght ask; this is due to the injuries i've gotten through basketball training. actually some of the injuries lasted for more than half a year. but it was minor then... now its getting to me.. i approximately have 6 to 7 injuries.. lets list them down..

no. 1 : my ankle.
i was rushing to get a basket so through the defense i ran. soon i found myself in the air and going for a clear lay-up. somehow, i missed, and landed on someones foot. that totally sprained my ankle. but soon i walked it off, but now, it came back.. what are the odds.

no 2 : my knee.
this is the longest hurting part of my body. since february my knee has been a problem. but sometimes it seems fine though. but now, its killing me.. and i can't stand it. i walk with a knee guard nowadays..

no 3 : my thigh.
falling from a rebound which was then stolen from me by one of the big guys; he pivotted around till i thought i saw a doughnut on the ground. and when he wanted to get up, he swung his elbow right to me thigh. that left a HUGE bruise there. soon it got bigger and it looks infected.

no 4 : my butt (assets)
again, going for a basket, flew for the lay-up. but this time it went in. but as i was in mid-air, i had this chunk of big, sweaty, piece of pork chop guarding me. in the air he had already pushed me, but all my attention was into making the basket; till i forgot to see where i was landing. soon i had myself trying to brake, but it was too late. the basketball-rim-pole was 2 inches away from me.. then.. tragedy stuck, boom! my ass goes hitting on it. and i think it got flattened with a huge bruise on it too.

no 5 : my elbow.
i was running around trying to get the ball. when i got it, i tried cutting through the defense. but little did i know, my opponents used foul play to get the ball. a person just tugged on my elbow, then the ball got away. i tried pushing myself of the ground with my arm, but it hurt so bad that i had to take my time..

no 6 and no 7 : wrist and head.
i found myself controlling the ball movement. then i moved back to the half court line looking for a pass. soon, two defenders got up to me and i found myself in a corner; nearly going backcourt. i scrambled for a pass but it was too late. the two defender; one locked my ankle and the other pushed me. i threw the ball to God knows where, but i fell on my back and hit my head against the cemmented floor. my wrists were sprained due to the impact of the fall; i was trying to soften the landing with my wrists. guess it didnt work. i blackedout for a moment; just a moment. then found myself surrounded by people. i didnt dare to move as im afraid i might break something. but soon i was on my feet and walking. but now my neck hurts due to that fall. a slight turn to my left sends a painful spike down my spine..

now im afriad, thats why im going for a check up.
it neer ends with the pain though.....

fishing my thoughts;

I don’t mean to feel like this
Don’t mean to think like this
My heart just has to be shown
That the love that I gave you
That’s the love that I got from you


I need to be safe and secure
Don’t forget to remember me

Remember me; T.I. feat Mary.J.Blige

"you know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy;

even if you're not part of their happiness"

the functionary;

I used to be your shadow, when you were alone.

I used to be your shoulder, when you needed to cry.

I used to be your smile, when you needed to be happy.

I used to live on a simple concept, when you were still my friend.
And that is; I'll be me, whenever you need a friend.

-

I still live by it, but no longer practice it..

where's that fuse for ego?

Disorientated;

"The distance between us today, is not a phenomenon..

it's a casualty that might bring us closer again tomorrow"..

the most out poured emotional quote that i thought of..

but something's still bothering me..

-

Agree with me?

This is the only place i have left to tell you things..

don't stop posting..

Irrelavent

Its been days, and quotes seem to come to my mind. words pop up as if it was telling me something. so i started writting them down.. but all i that i had penned down, is totally irrelavant.. why am i seeing these words all of a sudden.. when these quotes or whatsoever come to mind, i grab my phone and just text them down a save them.. maybe you should read it.. tell me something i don't know...

"its hard to see your friends change into someone different from whom you used to know.
But its even harder to demand a change, when you're desperate for a helping hand."

"Finding ways to convince people that you're fine would not help yourself."

"when things don't go your way,
its because you don't want them to be."

"Turning fiction to fact is believing that the fiction is no doubt a fact.
and holding on to that belief is dominance"

"Pain and hurt makes us strong.

but the urge for happiness makes us weak."

"Forgetting the past is one thing,

but to relive it again is another."

"When friends are said to be lost,

new ones tend to come along."

"being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.

it means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

-end-

Food For Thought.

what do you think of me now? how does it feel like? painful isnt it. there so much that you dont know yet you think you do. what is there to say, when things had gotten this bad. what is there to do, when seeing some people, makes me mad. what do i do to make it right? or the bigger question is, do i want to make it right. im shying away from the truth and thats the way i intend to keep it. but what if it only causes a much more of painful sting? but if i dont go with my guts, i wouldnt know if it would turn out to be a beautiful macrame for me. i wont know. but, now, im unwilling to fulfil what i pormised. my concience was overpowered by the pain i was taken down with. im unwilling to sacrifice no more for someone who treats me that way, of a mere human. and not a friend to be recked by. i got too little back for what i had given, yet im willing to give away that, and live like im suppose to. but what is there to be thinking about now. when all my troubles had gone away, giving me a clear path. but its not time to reconcile.. there too much eagerness to tear you down in me.. let it cool of, and maybe have a better beginning..

the real question is,

Am i the bad guy or the good guy?

Fead This.

To me, it has always been about you.

but now, when its about me, i don't think i need you to care.

I've took too many blows,

and all i wanted to know,

was how you wanted things to go..

-Fead up"

history seems to repeat itself several times..

I dont know you..

talk to to me when you know you can talk to me..

sometimes the words you say tear me up,

you sometimes make me feel that you dont care anymore,

with your indirect signals, from conversations to networking,

your smile, nowadays, seem to be vague,

im trying to tell you, im feeling insecure(very),

yet no words of yours could make me feel any better,
they way ' i love you ' is said, makes me feel like its forced,

forced to make sure i dont go anywhere,

if that is really your intention, tell me,

im not a toying around no more,

if you want to make anything work, do it,

dont tell me you're sure of what you want with bad intentions,

i want to be myself where-ever and when-ever,

not something which is put to use only when needed,

the longer we stay like that, the further i will walk...

-

think, before i put my life back into motion..

-

this i post with much pain,

dont take it too seriously,

just opinions from the heart.

Wish i could smile...

Then whats stopping me?..