state the obvious;

- Currently thinking about the ugly truth..


everyday seems to go by fine. everyday seems to go by mundanely. where's the excitement? where's was that 'ummph' that i used to have. so many things to say, so little time.. whats left of this, which we all call friendship? whats left to belief, when truth to be told, we're living a lie? i just feel relentless torture. Signs made me belief the feeling was true, nevertheless, life told me that going down that road might not be possible.. its all neurosis. but i hope it isnt. maybe i will find that dream of being that special someone for that special someone who totally feels im their special someone, someday...

Dear Reader,

-

its not that i want you,

its not that i need you,

its because i have you,

you mean so much more..

-

take care from your true friend.

he better be perfect;

-currently hoping that i will someday be as lucky as you..


theres so much i have yet to tell you. but this time, i have to let go. when you first told me you had eyes for a new one, it somehow tug me a little. i couldnt find the words to say, and acted i was still steady. i know, i put you through the same thing before. and you had no complaints. anyways, i didnt know how much you meant to me till then. but i soon came to realise i was happy for you and pushed what i had felt aside. actually, im really happy for you now. theres only so much i can help you and i would do anything to help you anyways. i guess, if you care for someone, you would be happy for them no matter what..


but hey, all good things have to come to an end. but i never thought i would lose this. sometimes, when your name is mentioned, i would think about you for a moment. sometimes when you walk by me, i would take a peek with the corner of my eyes but only from a distance. though all of it has passed, why is there a wall that is holding me back from talking to you. sometimes i just wonder.. but no matter how much pain i caused you, im sorry.. and i hope hurting you is not the reason for you to remember me by. remember me by the guy who walked pass your life.. and took you along my journey to open up your mind and heart to the different feelings that love has to offer.. and i hope to hear from you from time to time..


who would have thought a bond like us that we had before would have ended. who would have thought, we came this far either.. we definitely had our moments. now, take those experience and use it in your new life.. dont hold back. and go on. dont do something you will regret, and knowing you, dont keep your feelings to yourself. no matter how corny it is, thats life..


after you read this, dont hesistate. go go go! there will be a time for us. so dun worry. im always there, root-ed to the arteries and vein of your heart. you cant take me out.. so, live with it. you have definitely left your mark on me.. but dont leave a mark on him. embed you on him. dont let go of your believes.. and im always here for support if you need any..

remember when i promised you i would be here no matter what?

i mean it. so dont forget..

lastly, i know how you are, dont always look down on yourself. you're capable of so much more. you have no idea how much you can do. so, do your thing, which you do best, capture the heart of your loved one. be strong and be confident.. and think positive right? this time, the time and place is already set for you. this time its clear.. this time its fate.. stay happy. i love it when you're happy. it makes me feel satisfied, and less work for me to do too.. haha..

you wont be lonely; when im here.

'there always light at the end of a tunnel'

I close both locks below the window

I close both blinds and turn away

Sometimes solutions aren't so simple

Sometimes good bye's the only way

-

'shaadow of the day- linkin park'

my love.

i will always be the same.

'this time - wonder girls'

tension;

- currently saving spit for later.

i dont know why, but i think i really am a functionary. my mouth blabber words only i understand. theres nothing i can put across to make someone get it anymore. im losing my mind. really frustrated. i really dont know what you want, im pretty sure you dont want this. and im pretty sure there nothing you would wanna sacrifice for this. so, feel free to slowly part.. im just wondering about, how am i going to sleep. my mind can't rest till i hear something solid to satisfy it. this too much, really. i have never felt like this before.. its somehow, a slow and very the least, painful, death.. i've completely lost who i am. and will never be the same again.. but as people say, time flies, we wouldnt know whats gonna happen.. sometimes i wish we were the way we used to be..

anyways,

today was a regular day. had two papers in the morning and free till the bell rang to go. have a week to study for one subject, its all good. after school, went out with some friends. these guys actuall made me feel better. firstly,i had to wait half an hour for sonia, simmren and 'you know who' to come down. i said hi to them but not 'you know who'. soon sonia pulled me to S.A. and then to seven eleven, then to S.A. again. while being there i waved to 'you know who'.. she waved back. so it was all good. then, syaz came and wanted to eat in tanjung. so sure, we went. i didnt want to go as she was there. but i had to somehow. so i walked passed her and said hi. you dont know how red i felt.. my cheeks were burning. then, sonia, supposedly had to get ceadit. then she ask me to teman her (what an excuse). she did that on purpose so i would walk pass 'you know who'.. then when we came back, she was about to go back soon. i said bye to her.. and thsts the end to that..

'the anastatic - friends'

daus; his ridiculous piano skills

syaz; belum pro lagi.

but more pro than anyone in the room

sonia; my instructor. soon to be rockstar.

after dinner, we went to yamaha to play some guitar. but i dunno how to play. so i watched, and learnt how to play 'happy birthday'. after that daus came and showed us his piano skills. afeter that we all headed back to tanjung to lepak. after lepaking for quite sometime, it was time to part. so then we left, one by one.. and i went home last. as usual, i didnt want to bother anyone.

..listen to the light breeze

you feel that?

muder;

-currently trying to kill myself.


just when i realised im hurt enough, guess what smacked me in the face? a post about the ex boyfriend. really? how much more insecure can i get? how am i not supposed to be paranoid. sure, we have not enough problems right? yea, i guess we're doing great.

out of the mist of the pain, i come to read about;

"i still think of you, and still hopes for your call...

still remember my first this and that...

blablabla..."

im really tired. and im not having much breaks in between this chaos.. its like a never-ending flow of disasters. sometimes i just cant take it. sometime i just wished i could say, why dont you call him? if you are already weaiting for his calls. why dont you use a MILLION words to bring him back instead of thousands. why not cry another thousand drops of tears if he is all that worth it. why dont you just start over with him, spend another birthday with him, and pretend i was never alive.. hold on to his love forever.. remember all you want, if you carry on doing so, im not promising you anything anymore. i've suffered enough. theres only so much i can do. the damage is not repairable.. this just kills..

you once asked me,

why do i hang on after all the damaged you've caused...

now im asking you to ask yourself,

what have i not done to make him walk away...

i dont seem to have you to hold on to anymore.
what is there to believe in this, together anymore.

your post was not about us,

that's the peoblem..

i guess 'this is fate!' right?..

forgive what i said; im just moaning in pain.

unwell;

- currently reminiscing; missing her..


there are so many protestable thoughts in me to argue with you. im holding back to tell them all. i dont want you to hover further and further a way from me. remember the time you told mw not to tell anybody about what we do? then why do you tell random guys, about what happened to us? are they really your friends to tell? i just want to know..

driving on the freeway, till this song came on the radio. it came to me, and i had all my memories floooding back. maybe what im feeling now would go away. maybe im not over what i had to go through. but i know im not crazy. im just, unwell.

All day

Staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night

Hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on I'm feeling like I'm headed for a

Breakdown I don't know why

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Me

-

Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know

I know they've all been talking 'bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I've lost my mind

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

-

I been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me

Yeah, they're taking me away

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

-

I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be, Well I'm just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

-

'Unwell- Matchbox 20'

stay positive

tap-out;

i have too many bruises,

to keep fighting on like this

i'm falling hard

and i don't think im getting up soon

dont be like me,

get on; being you..

im sorry..

pain-prone;

smile, and tell me..

i am worried about that; but theres nothing i could say if you don't think i wouldnt. but go ahead, run away; lead your life, go your way..

when you look into my eyes, you really see that? i know i've given up alot. but you are reluctant to receive it full heartedly. you would still say its not fair; im always giving and not taking. its my choice to do that. but now, its not like that anymore.. its already mutual.. you have just as much pain as i do.. what you say is completely over-rated..

so you're saying its really hard; that means you want me to go? if that's what you mean, then just watch me.. remember : if you push, i go..

a propitiatory statement

its sticky;

- Currently having my back break on its own


i thought today was fine. i thought today was okay. but little did i know, i can't do what i wanted too. im afraid. afraid of what might happen to her. i tried standing strong. but after yesterady's sleepless night, that conversation with her mum, made my leg shake out of control; its hard enough to stand still. frequently getting lost starring into the mid-air, thinking, in a middle of a convo. friends did all they could to cheer me up.. some succeed but some just brought me back to square one..

"what are we going to do now.."

this question lingered in my mind and never got out. i searched for an answer from deep within yet my brain but failed to find a solution. a sudden change of plans; search my heart. after a long survey of options, there was never really a firm one.. all i thought about was what you wanted.. when i started to think about what i wanted, it was clear that i wanted you to still be a part of my life. its not fair, its really not.. but i would really want to make the best out of it.. theres too little time and so much more obstacles to get pass..

hmm...

if you ever want to tell me what you want to do. tell me in the face..

'i'm hanging on..'

'slip away in silence; so i don't hear...'

-

good as it may sound

i know myself that cant be

and i didnt feel bad about it till right then

had to remind her that we were just pretend

-

i said baby i want you

but stay with the real thing

i never loved you enough

see i only want you

but stay with the real thing

stay with the real thing

stay with your real life

'Ne-Yo - The Real Thing'

hush, dont ask me why ...

out-run;

- Currently cleaning up the blood.

woke up with a bleeding nose this morning. didnt care much, just let it bleed. soon had breakfast with my parents before my tutor comes. in the mist of all the eggs, bread and other stuff, i told my parents...

"i want to go to Aussie next year.."

i didnt know what got into me. i just said it. maybe its cause i cant bear to stay here anymore. what is there for here to offer? i just want to get away from this.. far far away. i'm still sprung on what i said. i rushed that sentence without thinking; no hesitation. i just want to take time off this place and figure out who i am and what i'll be; i cant continue living this way... my priorities here are all pushed aside; im really distracted.. i need a clear path.

anyways,

my parents asked me if i was okay after a moment of silence. my dad gave me a stare while my mum was worried about me. she knew i didnt really want to go and im going because im trying to escape from something.. to make her bug me less, i gave her a simple answer..

"i don't want to sit for SPM.."

obviously i lied. but i cant tell her. and though im not willing to let all the friends i have here go; i think it would definitely be better for me. by the way, i could burden my friends less. now, my parents want a firm answer.. they are giving me a week to make up my mind. they are really hoping to move-over there too.. i usually disagree completely on going.. but now, im thinking twice..

'navigate me to my sanctuary, somewhere'

-

shoot me with a fusillade of bullets to stop me,

would you do that?

full-hardy;

- Currently getting the jitters.


im thinking, how much could i hold up. what is there to do, when you have cold feet. what is there to not think about, when the world is going to fall on you the very next day.. what is there to do, when time i unforgiving... what if, forever, never comes back.. and goodbyes seem way too soon.. sometimes i dont really even know what im feeling. everything in between this rotating mob seem like mumbo jumbo to me though i might die in it; being the innocent.. all i want is to be me. then why am i hesitating. im making full -hardy decisions, without even know the consiquences i have to face after that.


why cant i wake up from whatever i fell asleep into..

'sing me a mellifluos melody'

" i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, some stories, don't have a clear begining, midlle and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's gonna happen next.."

~ Gilda Radner

---------

this was what i saw this afternoon. which made me think, so deeply... watch and i wont believe you wont feel what i felt.. i know its just a show, but it meant alot.. alot to those who want it to be meaningful.

'take a second to take a look'

a plea..

" did you say it? i love you. i don't ever want to live without you. you changed my life. did you say it? make a plan, set a goal, work toward it. but every now and then, look around.. drink it in, cause this is it.. it might all be gone tomorrow..."

Grey's Anatomy - Meredith

life KO'd me, emotionally..

enigmatic me;

-currently head banging to heavy metal..

today; scholl reopens. today, time passed so slowly. every strut, every step, every breath i take seem to pass tremendously slow.. it was as if time had slowed down for me to truly think about what i am, and what is made of me to become. i was thinking a whole lot; felt down. there's too much to really think about. and all the time in the world would no be enough to think about them all. but one thing is for sure.. im still trying to figure out, ME..

'Exactly; make up my mind for me?..'

i started to think i was fudged.

or maybe it was the lack of time that i have to get everything done? theres too much forceful pressure on me. i've got so much on my plate; i dont know where to dig in. avoiding the wrong side of the law, keeping up with friends, keeping up with the girlfriend, preperation for the major papers and producing a productive result. i can't sit back and chill anymore. thers no time.. maybe im just fuddy-duddy. but i understand what is important. on the other hand, i want to be more for the people i care about..

life in a manometer;

-

the're too much i cant handle. anyone care to offer a helping hand?

completely newsy post '

living life as a looney limrick,

taking it mundanely.