tomorrow's a new day ;

its been too long since i blogged about something . so now, in the mist of boredom on the last day of 2009 , i took the initiative to put something up .. this year had been a rough roller coaster ride for me. nothing seem to last or ay of this year . i guess the feng sui book was right , this year for the dogs is particullarly hard as they lose alot in anything they owned .. so next year , im gonna read about those kinda stuff to give a heads up on how a hard headed taurus would do in 2010..



about 2009 ;



its bee a year which i definitely will miss . it was a hectic year , but in the middle of all the chaos , i got reattached to my friends again , closer than before .. i guess i didnt know how important they are before . but now i do .. they made my year a great 1. other than that , i guess this year i truly found love .. never had i fell so deep, but i am.. this time im not letting it go .. not so soon . theres so much to talk about this year , but im only limited to talk about some of them , as happy memories for me , would be explict for the little ones who reads this ..



im thankful for the chances that were given to me to experience many things .. theres not much i wouldnt do again for the next year .. but , let me tell you, we shall brace oursleves for 2010 , cause its the turning poimt right ? you know why ? its cause it is 2 years away from judgement day and 2 years after puberty .. so now puberty is out of the way , man up and face the world before its too late right ? ..

'what am i talking about ..'

theres only one regret ,

i never got a chance to realise my mistakes sooner,

to find a way to make it up to you,

to show you how much i love you.

and now you're gone,

i reminisc everyday,

wishing i could do it all again.

need i say more ? ;

really ? had a ball : )

anticipate;

i'll blog soon. so stop bugging me to update .

mornings;

i know my friends are probably gonna be pissed about this. but i have to let it out.. though i have been mad, and though i have been saying things i dont mean.. in the pure silence solitude. theres only you in my mind. im not over it.. but theres nothing i can do. i really miss you.. i know you've been dying to see me messed up like this, so here you go. look at me, and see that im nothing.. everything nowadays brings back memories, that tear up a whole in my heart. from the way you smile, the way you walk and your funny little laugh. i miss them all.. every morning, i take a photo of you out, and get a good look at you to make my day. sometimes, songs just kills me if they remind me of anything.. the song that burns most to hear is, Morning - Janice Vidal. this song was heard when i viewed your blog for the first time.. and it will never be the last time i'll hear it. other than that, the way i tend to over do things sometimes, reminds me of the way you tend to try and stop me from doing it. i just somehow miss you doing that. the cheeky-ness we once had, will not be forgotten by me. i love you for that, remember?

at night, sometimes i dream about holding you in my arms once more, looking into your eyes once more and even just be near you once more.. theres too many special things about you i cant explain, and too little time to think of any.. i know i had a bad breakdown, but its one mistake you hopefully can forgive. i didnt mean too, neither did i intend to force you away.. im sorry, sincerely. and i know being sincere is really important to you, well, this time i am.. and believe me when i say, i love you. people come and go, but once you had perfection, you wouldnt want anything else.. and i know you've found perfection, the love and tenderness you share with him. though it kills, i wish you guys all the best. and for him, take care of her, you wouldnt want to lose her, i promise.

a friend asked me, 'have you had an addiction or an obsession?'.. my answer was yes. but her next question was, 'have you cried so hard for that obsession that you forget about everything else?' i said 'no, but i have tried very hard to live without it.'.. so i guess that was my wake up call.. i had to try hard. but as hard as i try, i tend to end up like this once more. i cant bear this.. i cant.. but i'll remember the words you speak, and the promises you made.. time can only tell, for the blind like me, to see what we would become.. i'll miss you for more mornings to come. another two years wouldnt kill me to wait..

quote: ' if you dream about it hard enough, it would come true'

by Kellie Chong Qiao Yi

don't curse this post, dont say anything either

read it, and digest it. wake up the next morning

and make the best out of your life

distractions;

- currently exhausted.

firstly, in these past few days, im dong okay. not great, but im okay. thank God for that.. and for the anger post which i deleted recently, im sorry about that again. i believe that anger is misdirected passion. so forgive me.. and i've been thinking a lot lately. 'about what?' you may ask.. but im no sure about the answer myself.. i could say im thinking about everything. but theres not enough space on earth to hold these thoughts together. i'm tired of thinking about irrelevant things..

anyways,
after PMR which was tuesday not long ago if you still recall, we headed out to pyramid. it was with a few of my friends. though it wasnt really well planned. but i had a load of fun. when we got there, we went to TGI's for lunch. then soon after we walked around and i got my lip pierced. but my lip piercing didnt last very long though. i had to take it out due to parental explicit. after that, we had dinner at Carl's Junior and went back..after that we slept over at friends's houses. and now im back. didnt have much to do in school. but it was okay. had some friends there.


p.s.//
theres so many things going on, what's real, and what's not? maybe my problems have compiled together and it is gonna run me like 80 mph truck.

the smiles will not be replaced

the hole tearing throungh my chest is only getting worst

yet, the pain is my best distraction

untitled;

i'll blog about freedom next time..

till then, take care..

-

crunch time;

i know i said some things that i shouldnt have. but now i've chilled. and im sorry.

SORRY

im forgetting about it.

if this is it;

____

I remember what you wore on the first day

You came into my life

And I thought hey

You know this could be something

'Cause everything you do and words you say

You know that it all takes my breath away

And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true, that I can't live without you

Maybe two is better than one

But There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two, is better than one

boys like girls feat taylor swift - two is better than one

-

-

-

how do you stand by and watch us fall..

you had your second chance, where's mine?

breathe;

i heard this song from a friends blog recently.

it brings back memories..

you should hear it too..

_______

remember when;

-currently stiching a gaping hole on my shoulder.


it has barely been a week, and its already killing me.. my footsteps with heavy drags and my head down as though the floor amuses me.. am i too late? or maybe its too soon. i dont know. i dont know anything anymore, i dont know you anymore, i dont know me anymore.. constant hits to the chest would still not make this pain go away. the hole in me is gaping; more hollow than ever.. across the court i walked, and i could see you there beside me. but its only the images in my mind which i could only remmeber. i've lived it, i've believed it and now i dream about it.. the empty space beside me seems to be unoccupied. why? i just dont know.. you could do it, why cant i?.. i've never been this unwilling to let this go. maybe its because i never wanted this after the long hours of sleepless nights and constant nudges i gave to make it work.. maybe, i did love..
i hope i could be better soon, i dont want to seem to be the weaker one among us two.. but what i dont get is, no matter how hard i try to explain, im rejected of a second thought. nothing i say would ever work right now.. and its okay. i dont mind trying..

people say:

face the facts and live your life

i say:

live your life and face the facts

the difference is obscene

the mist;

- currently fragmented..


i got to admitt. i've been through alot of bull shit with you, but you made it worthwhile.. you once said these things that happen to us, makes us stronger. after that, i felt secure enough to not try to think about this day to come. but it did.. and this post is not here to diss you, its to tell you how much i appreciated you. though it may not be clear then, but now i see, how much you really were in my life..

you were, some sort of what i called a dream. you were, mostly what i had hoped for to come true. you were my support, you were my all. i gave you everything, and not hoped for nothing back in return, but just for you to stay.. little did i know, it didnt pay off trying.. it probably would have paid off by just doing it. its too late to try, yet too early give up. you were too much of a good thing, and probably some of the best things.. i remembered never failing to smile when i saw you everyday with your eyes wide open and your smile too beutiful to be true; to be mine.. you are everything everyone hopes for.. but a few minor touches in you should be polished up. i failed to do so, but im hoping the next one would change you more effectively than the way i did it..

well me, im here, always here, but never forever.. im sorry to have been such a burden for you. but im pretty sure you're happier than i am. so, i wont be worrying so much about you.. as for me, i'll do fine.. if i ever stop thinking about this.. but till then, miss me.. dont forget me.

'i am down, but not defeated'

the photos of you are mine to keep

it makes me happy once i take a look at it

it reminds me that

the best things in life dont last forever

as we could only last a life time

till forever leaves us old and gray

i want to let it out..
but there's no point..

tell me;

- currently thinking about whaats important; but unsure..


i dont know what to say to you. i dont know what to do. i've lost all hopes, and given up all my dreams. there's no sense of holding on in me anymore. what i thought was meant to be, is now a tragedy. i was meant to love you, but you werent meant to love me.. this feeling in me, is hard to describe. though its painful, everytime i see you, i would smile.. thought im mad, i tend to forget about it. but this time, your ego is worst than mine. you're unwilling to lose, you're unwilling to make things right for me. i have to do it.. but i've done enough, i thought you knew. i know you have the tendancy to let this go, as it all means nothing to you, if im not trying.. but i am in disbelief, if you still don't understand. yesterday, was the first night i slept without you wishing me my sweetdreams.. i didnt get any, except the urge to tell you this.. this could be the final straw, i am hanging by a thread.. but i know you have already given up. and i think i should too. if you're planning to say goodbye, try not to be too sharp with your words.. im about to break into millions of trillions of tiny pieces.. but dont worry, im fine.. i know i'll be happy, as long as you are..

my almost lover

-

Your fingertips across my skin.

The palm trees swaying in the wind.

Images.

You sang me Spanish lullabies.

The sweetest sadness in your eyes.

Clever trick.

I never want to see you unhappy.

I thought you'd want the same for me.

-

Goodbye, my almost lover.

Goodbye, my hopeless dream.

I'm trying not to think about you.

Can't you just let me be?.

So long, my luckless romance.

My back is turned on you.

I should've known you'd bring me heartache.

Almost lovers always do.

-

We walked along a crowded street.

You took my hand and danced with me.

Images.

And when you left you kissed my lips.

You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no.

I never want to see you unhappy.

I thought you'd want the same for me.

-

Goodbye, my almost lover.

Goodbye, my hopeless dream.

I'm trying not to think about you.

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance.

My back is turned on you.

I should've known you'd bring me heartache.

Almost lovers always do.

-

I cannot go to the ocean.

I cannot drive the streets at night.

I cannot wake up in the morning.

Without you on my mind.

So you're gone and I'm haunted.

And I bet you are just fine.

Did I make it that easy.

To walk right in and out of my life?

-

Goodbye, my almost lover.

Goodbye, my hopeless dream.

I'm trying not to think about you.

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance.

My back is turned on you.

I should've known you'd bring me heartache.

-

Almost lovers always do..

-

-

listen, would you cry to this?

"almost lover - a fine frenzy"

state the obvious;

- Currently thinking about the ugly truth..


everyday seems to go by fine. everyday seems to go by mundanely. where's the excitement? where's was that 'ummph' that i used to have. so many things to say, so little time.. whats left of this, which we all call friendship? whats left to belief, when truth to be told, we're living a lie? i just feel relentless torture. Signs made me belief the feeling was true, nevertheless, life told me that going down that road might not be possible.. its all neurosis. but i hope it isnt. maybe i will find that dream of being that special someone for that special someone who totally feels im their special someone, someday...

Dear Reader,

-

its not that i want you,

its not that i need you,

its because i have you,

you mean so much more..

-

take care from your true friend.

he better be perfect;

-currently hoping that i will someday be as lucky as you..


theres so much i have yet to tell you. but this time, i have to let go. when you first told me you had eyes for a new one, it somehow tug me a little. i couldnt find the words to say, and acted i was still steady. i know, i put you through the same thing before. and you had no complaints. anyways, i didnt know how much you meant to me till then. but i soon came to realise i was happy for you and pushed what i had felt aside. actually, im really happy for you now. theres only so much i can help you and i would do anything to help you anyways. i guess, if you care for someone, you would be happy for them no matter what..


but hey, all good things have to come to an end. but i never thought i would lose this. sometimes, when your name is mentioned, i would think about you for a moment. sometimes when you walk by me, i would take a peek with the corner of my eyes but only from a distance. though all of it has passed, why is there a wall that is holding me back from talking to you. sometimes i just wonder.. but no matter how much pain i caused you, im sorry.. and i hope hurting you is not the reason for you to remember me by. remember me by the guy who walked pass your life.. and took you along my journey to open up your mind and heart to the different feelings that love has to offer.. and i hope to hear from you from time to time..


who would have thought a bond like us that we had before would have ended. who would have thought, we came this far either.. we definitely had our moments. now, take those experience and use it in your new life.. dont hold back. and go on. dont do something you will regret, and knowing you, dont keep your feelings to yourself. no matter how corny it is, thats life..


after you read this, dont hesistate. go go go! there will be a time for us. so dun worry. im always there, root-ed to the arteries and vein of your heart. you cant take me out.. so, live with it. you have definitely left your mark on me.. but dont leave a mark on him. embed you on him. dont let go of your believes.. and im always here for support if you need any..

remember when i promised you i would be here no matter what?

i mean it. so dont forget..

lastly, i know how you are, dont always look down on yourself. you're capable of so much more. you have no idea how much you can do. so, do your thing, which you do best, capture the heart of your loved one. be strong and be confident.. and think positive right? this time, the time and place is already set for you. this time its clear.. this time its fate.. stay happy. i love it when you're happy. it makes me feel satisfied, and less work for me to do too.. haha..

you wont be lonely; when im here.

'there always light at the end of a tunnel'

I close both locks below the window

I close both blinds and turn away

Sometimes solutions aren't so simple

Sometimes good bye's the only way

-

'shaadow of the day- linkin park'

my love.

i will always be the same.

'this time - wonder girls'

tension;

- currently saving spit for later.

i dont know why, but i think i really am a functionary. my mouth blabber words only i understand. theres nothing i can put across to make someone get it anymore. im losing my mind. really frustrated. i really dont know what you want, im pretty sure you dont want this. and im pretty sure there nothing you would wanna sacrifice for this. so, feel free to slowly part.. im just wondering about, how am i going to sleep. my mind can't rest till i hear something solid to satisfy it. this too much, really. i have never felt like this before.. its somehow, a slow and very the least, painful, death.. i've completely lost who i am. and will never be the same again.. but as people say, time flies, we wouldnt know whats gonna happen.. sometimes i wish we were the way we used to be..

anyways,

today was a regular day. had two papers in the morning and free till the bell rang to go. have a week to study for one subject, its all good. after school, went out with some friends. these guys actuall made me feel better. firstly,i had to wait half an hour for sonia, simmren and 'you know who' to come down. i said hi to them but not 'you know who'. soon sonia pulled me to S.A. and then to seven eleven, then to S.A. again. while being there i waved to 'you know who'.. she waved back. so it was all good. then, syaz came and wanted to eat in tanjung. so sure, we went. i didnt want to go as she was there. but i had to somehow. so i walked passed her and said hi. you dont know how red i felt.. my cheeks were burning. then, sonia, supposedly had to get ceadit. then she ask me to teman her (what an excuse). she did that on purpose so i would walk pass 'you know who'.. then when we came back, she was about to go back soon. i said bye to her.. and thsts the end to that..

'the anastatic - friends'

daus; his ridiculous piano skills

syaz; belum pro lagi.

but more pro than anyone in the room

sonia; my instructor. soon to be rockstar.

after dinner, we went to yamaha to play some guitar. but i dunno how to play. so i watched, and learnt how to play 'happy birthday'. after that daus came and showed us his piano skills. afeter that we all headed back to tanjung to lepak. after lepaking for quite sometime, it was time to part. so then we left, one by one.. and i went home last. as usual, i didnt want to bother anyone.

..listen to the light breeze

you feel that?

muder;

-currently trying to kill myself.


just when i realised im hurt enough, guess what smacked me in the face? a post about the ex boyfriend. really? how much more insecure can i get? how am i not supposed to be paranoid. sure, we have not enough problems right? yea, i guess we're doing great.

out of the mist of the pain, i come to read about;

"i still think of you, and still hopes for your call...

still remember my first this and that...

blablabla..."

im really tired. and im not having much breaks in between this chaos.. its like a never-ending flow of disasters. sometimes i just cant take it. sometime i just wished i could say, why dont you call him? if you are already weaiting for his calls. why dont you use a MILLION words to bring him back instead of thousands. why not cry another thousand drops of tears if he is all that worth it. why dont you just start over with him, spend another birthday with him, and pretend i was never alive.. hold on to his love forever.. remember all you want, if you carry on doing so, im not promising you anything anymore. i've suffered enough. theres only so much i can do. the damage is not repairable.. this just kills..

you once asked me,

why do i hang on after all the damaged you've caused...

now im asking you to ask yourself,

what have i not done to make him walk away...

i dont seem to have you to hold on to anymore.
what is there to believe in this, together anymore.

your post was not about us,

that's the peoblem..

i guess 'this is fate!' right?..

forgive what i said; im just moaning in pain.

unwell;

- currently reminiscing; missing her..


there are so many protestable thoughts in me to argue with you. im holding back to tell them all. i dont want you to hover further and further a way from me. remember the time you told mw not to tell anybody about what we do? then why do you tell random guys, about what happened to us? are they really your friends to tell? i just want to know..

driving on the freeway, till this song came on the radio. it came to me, and i had all my memories floooding back. maybe what im feeling now would go away. maybe im not over what i had to go through. but i know im not crazy. im just, unwell.

All day

Staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night

Hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on I'm feeling like I'm headed for a

Breakdown I don't know why

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Me

-

Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know

I know they've all been talking 'bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I've lost my mind

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

-

I been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me

Yeah, they're taking me away

-

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

-

I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be, Well I'm just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

-

'Unwell- Matchbox 20'

stay positive

tap-out;

i have too many bruises,

to keep fighting on like this

i'm falling hard

and i don't think im getting up soon

dont be like me,

get on; being you..

im sorry..

pain-prone;

smile, and tell me..

i am worried about that; but theres nothing i could say if you don't think i wouldnt. but go ahead, run away; lead your life, go your way..

when you look into my eyes, you really see that? i know i've given up alot. but you are reluctant to receive it full heartedly. you would still say its not fair; im always giving and not taking. its my choice to do that. but now, its not like that anymore.. its already mutual.. you have just as much pain as i do.. what you say is completely over-rated..

so you're saying its really hard; that means you want me to go? if that's what you mean, then just watch me.. remember : if you push, i go..

a propitiatory statement

its sticky;

- Currently having my back break on its own


i thought today was fine. i thought today was okay. but little did i know, i can't do what i wanted too. im afraid. afraid of what might happen to her. i tried standing strong. but after yesterady's sleepless night, that conversation with her mum, made my leg shake out of control; its hard enough to stand still. frequently getting lost starring into the mid-air, thinking, in a middle of a convo. friends did all they could to cheer me up.. some succeed but some just brought me back to square one..

"what are we going to do now.."

this question lingered in my mind and never got out. i searched for an answer from deep within yet my brain but failed to find a solution. a sudden change of plans; search my heart. after a long survey of options, there was never really a firm one.. all i thought about was what you wanted.. when i started to think about what i wanted, it was clear that i wanted you to still be a part of my life. its not fair, its really not.. but i would really want to make the best out of it.. theres too little time and so much more obstacles to get pass..

hmm...

if you ever want to tell me what you want to do. tell me in the face..

'i'm hanging on..'

'slip away in silence; so i don't hear...'

-

good as it may sound

i know myself that cant be

and i didnt feel bad about it till right then

had to remind her that we were just pretend

-

i said baby i want you

but stay with the real thing

i never loved you enough

see i only want you

but stay with the real thing

stay with the real thing

stay with your real life

'Ne-Yo - The Real Thing'

hush, dont ask me why ...

out-run;

- Currently cleaning up the blood.

woke up with a bleeding nose this morning. didnt care much, just let it bleed. soon had breakfast with my parents before my tutor comes. in the mist of all the eggs, bread and other stuff, i told my parents...

"i want to go to Aussie next year.."

i didnt know what got into me. i just said it. maybe its cause i cant bear to stay here anymore. what is there for here to offer? i just want to get away from this.. far far away. i'm still sprung on what i said. i rushed that sentence without thinking; no hesitation. i just want to take time off this place and figure out who i am and what i'll be; i cant continue living this way... my priorities here are all pushed aside; im really distracted.. i need a clear path.

anyways,

my parents asked me if i was okay after a moment of silence. my dad gave me a stare while my mum was worried about me. she knew i didnt really want to go and im going because im trying to escape from something.. to make her bug me less, i gave her a simple answer..

"i don't want to sit for SPM.."

obviously i lied. but i cant tell her. and though im not willing to let all the friends i have here go; i think it would definitely be better for me. by the way, i could burden my friends less. now, my parents want a firm answer.. they are giving me a week to make up my mind. they are really hoping to move-over there too.. i usually disagree completely on going.. but now, im thinking twice..

'navigate me to my sanctuary, somewhere'

-

shoot me with a fusillade of bullets to stop me,

would you do that?

full-hardy;

- Currently getting the jitters.


im thinking, how much could i hold up. what is there to do, when you have cold feet. what is there to not think about, when the world is going to fall on you the very next day.. what is there to do, when time i unforgiving... what if, forever, never comes back.. and goodbyes seem way too soon.. sometimes i dont really even know what im feeling. everything in between this rotating mob seem like mumbo jumbo to me though i might die in it; being the innocent.. all i want is to be me. then why am i hesitating. im making full -hardy decisions, without even know the consiquences i have to face after that.


why cant i wake up from whatever i fell asleep into..

'sing me a mellifluos melody'

" i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, some stories, don't have a clear begining, midlle and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's gonna happen next.."

~ Gilda Radner

---------

this was what i saw this afternoon. which made me think, so deeply... watch and i wont believe you wont feel what i felt.. i know its just a show, but it meant alot.. alot to those who want it to be meaningful.

'take a second to take a look'

a plea..

" did you say it? i love you. i don't ever want to live without you. you changed my life. did you say it? make a plan, set a goal, work toward it. but every now and then, look around.. drink it in, cause this is it.. it might all be gone tomorrow..."

Grey's Anatomy - Meredith

life KO'd me, emotionally..

enigmatic me;

-currently head banging to heavy metal..

today; scholl reopens. today, time passed so slowly. every strut, every step, every breath i take seem to pass tremendously slow.. it was as if time had slowed down for me to truly think about what i am, and what is made of me to become. i was thinking a whole lot; felt down. there's too much to really think about. and all the time in the world would no be enough to think about them all. but one thing is for sure.. im still trying to figure out, ME..

'Exactly; make up my mind for me?..'

i started to think i was fudged.

or maybe it was the lack of time that i have to get everything done? theres too much forceful pressure on me. i've got so much on my plate; i dont know where to dig in. avoiding the wrong side of the law, keeping up with friends, keeping up with the girlfriend, preperation for the major papers and producing a productive result. i can't sit back and chill anymore. thers no time.. maybe im just fuddy-duddy. but i understand what is important. on the other hand, i want to be more for the people i care about..

life in a manometer;

-

the're too much i cant handle. anyone care to offer a helping hand?

completely newsy post '

living life as a looney limrick,

taking it mundanely.

my humdinger;

-Currently still hung-over thinking about our first kiss..


getting bored after breakfast. soon had my parents go to Shangri-la for dim sum.. after that, mum bought tons of mooncake to give away. i had to carry them.. not fair at all.. but before that, was hoping to get dim sum with my cousin sisters. they did not turn up; my uncle and aunty too. we are having a family prob, its no surprise they didnt show up.. kinda missing them..

'the ride was not fun'

anyways,

was looking at my phone the whole day, hoping for an answer/reply. did not get a response. starting to feel insecure. to tell you the truth, its no big deal.. its just that, i want you to be true to me. its not that, the problem is only yours. its mine too. why werent you willing to share with me?.. its not a big deal to me at all, its really not. and i over-reacted that day.. now, looking back, what i did was completely unneccessary.. i understand that its personal, but the problem is, i tried so hard to gain your trust, yet all you did was shadow me away from the truth. and now, you're pushing me away...

'everything seems to remind me of you..'

I'm still standing here, waiting..

Let's take that as a frivolous conversation

Let's do this together.

independence;

i am gonna be happy for today. cause today's independence day. today, Malaysia is 52 years old. the big 52! its not much, but its enough to be proud of. we've come so far since 1957, and now, look at us. better than ever.. living together and enjoying the different cultures of our friends. this makes us special.. and still going strong!!

im lucky enough to enjoy all the different food we have here. theres too little time to have them all. but as i grow with it, i will.. the food tastes great too. no matter what race, we share the same food and speak the same words; together... i eat, you eat, we eat together, in one Malaysia..

Happy 52nd Birthday, Malaysia!

-

Happy Independence Day, Malaysians!

"Bersama kita capai semua,

Satu Malaysia."

-

Satu Malaysia- AMP All-Stars.

heartache;

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right,
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I'm already gone"

' Kelly Clarkson - already gone '

beauty's a deceit;

im feeling frantic; why you may ask. the reason is, what if you had been deceive by the ones you loved?

i cleared my mind, and changed for you and us. i gave you every strand of care. and showered you with most of what i call, love. i gave up my everything for you. couldnt you give up one thing for me? or maybe i wasnt worthy of being trusted? i trusted you with all my heart. told you things that only i knew was right to tell.. but yet, you save youself and spare me the embarrassment.. the things you said made it so believable. it had to be, as i didnt expect nothing but the truth..

answer this:
what hurts more. an inconvinient truth? or finding out a lie on your own?

i was made to believe i wasnt the only one, till i found out i was all along. i was made to believe that i had grew strenght in me to pull through, till i found out it was only the adrenaline from the ecstacy; you.. the things i see and the things i felt, its clear to me now; it was never there to begin with.. i was a fool.. yet a fool could feel disgusted. do you think of him, when we did all those things together? was i the replacement? or am i just a toy?..

your eyes which i once known was brown, now its blue or grey. your smile which i once known was sincere, now holds a decieving purpose. your connection which i once felt, was just to make me a vulnerable target. the words you speak and the things you did, i wont forget. but was it all real to begin with? it hurts too much to be a dream; its hurts too much to be a nightmare either..

maybe there was a reason why God made me write down all those quotes. He gave me a heads-up on whats about to come. He tried to save me, but my heart was too stubborn to ressist. now i know what im made-of to become.. a no-one; in God's favour and in your heart..

DECEIT

' Hiding in the shadows,

Lying about your actions,

Can only take you so far..'

-

i really cant understand why.

dont you think i understand you?

.

But you put on quite a show,

Really had me going,

Curtain's finally closing,

That was quite a show,

Very entertaining,

But it's over now,

Go on and take a bow..

'Rihanna - Take a bow'

invidious joke;

reading through the net. found this short story. its invidious, so forgive me for you who are offended.

There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead. He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.

He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root. He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed:

"Dear lord, Please let this bear be a christian."

the bear sat down on its bum and held the mans hands, closed his eyes and said:

"Dear lord, Thank you for the food that i am about to recieve."

Had a laugh or so?

results;

okay, so i had my check up today. waited and waited... soon i got my doctor. he hits here hits there, squizes here squizes there, told me to do some squarts and what so ever. soon.. took me for an x-ray...

everything was fine. he said stay at home and rest for a week or two. my knee has just the smallest tissue tear ever. and my neck still has some tense vains causing it hard to turn. my elbow should be fne soon. and as for the bruises, they are all fine. just need to give it a daily massage. and to other injuries, they're minor. and will heal in no time. that wasnt as bad as i thought it would be.. i was afraid before.. but now, its nothing..

but just today, i found out that something has changed in me for the pass few days.. i have been eating excessively. i have been averaging two bowls of rice a meal and today, you wouldnt believe what i ate in three hours.

firstly, after my check up at SJMC, i went to subang parade for lunch with my cousin sis. so we were deciding on what to eat. my mum said Uncle Lim's. so sure, we went. i got a karipap, 2 three-quarter boiled eggs and an asam laksa. then i got thirsty and got a cham-ice. soon after lunch i walked around to see if there's anything to buy. sadly, no. but i did come across McDonalds. i got myself a large Spicy Chicken McDeluxe, set. i chowed down happily on that. soon, as i've done that, baskin robins was nearby. i got a double scoop cone, consisting of, chocolate mousse royale and world-class chocolate. that was the last thing i ate.. but dinner is in a few hours.. CAN'T WAIT!

"i think im growing!"

today, i got to eat so much is also because of the fasting month. if it wasnt for that, i think i would have to fight for food and jump queues. ahh.. what a day it has been..

and when i got home, i was thinking about 1 question... 'who is the hottest women i have ever lived to see'... though question huh. but the answer came up in a minute; Marilyn Monroe. she is no doubt the right choice.. i mean look at her, wouldnt any man want her?.. i mean, if she was educated then, yea, everyman would want her.. but sadly, she's dead.. and thankfully, im so over her..

-

" it is what it is,

it ain't what it ain't

don't make what it is what it ain't."

think about it...

-out-

reluctance;

in a about 1 or 2 days, i am going for a body check up. why you mght ask; this is due to the injuries i've gotten through basketball training. actually some of the injuries lasted for more than half a year. but it was minor then... now its getting to me.. i approximately have 6 to 7 injuries.. lets list them down..

no. 1 : my ankle.
i was rushing to get a basket so through the defense i ran. soon i found myself in the air and going for a clear lay-up. somehow, i missed, and landed on someones foot. that totally sprained my ankle. but soon i walked it off, but now, it came back.. what are the odds.

no 2 : my knee.
this is the longest hurting part of my body. since february my knee has been a problem. but sometimes it seems fine though. but now, its killing me.. and i can't stand it. i walk with a knee guard nowadays..

no 3 : my thigh.
falling from a rebound which was then stolen from me by one of the big guys; he pivotted around till i thought i saw a doughnut on the ground. and when he wanted to get up, he swung his elbow right to me thigh. that left a HUGE bruise there. soon it got bigger and it looks infected.

no 4 : my butt (assets)
again, going for a basket, flew for the lay-up. but this time it went in. but as i was in mid-air, i had this chunk of big, sweaty, piece of pork chop guarding me. in the air he had already pushed me, but all my attention was into making the basket; till i forgot to see where i was landing. soon i had myself trying to brake, but it was too late. the basketball-rim-pole was 2 inches away from me.. then.. tragedy stuck, boom! my ass goes hitting on it. and i think it got flattened with a huge bruise on it too.

no 5 : my elbow.
i was running around trying to get the ball. when i got it, i tried cutting through the defense. but little did i know, my opponents used foul play to get the ball. a person just tugged on my elbow, then the ball got away. i tried pushing myself of the ground with my arm, but it hurt so bad that i had to take my time..

no 6 and no 7 : wrist and head.
i found myself controlling the ball movement. then i moved back to the half court line looking for a pass. soon, two defenders got up to me and i found myself in a corner; nearly going backcourt. i scrambled for a pass but it was too late. the two defender; one locked my ankle and the other pushed me. i threw the ball to God knows where, but i fell on my back and hit my head against the cemmented floor. my wrists were sprained due to the impact of the fall; i was trying to soften the landing with my wrists. guess it didnt work. i blackedout for a moment; just a moment. then found myself surrounded by people. i didnt dare to move as im afraid i might break something. but soon i was on my feet and walking. but now my neck hurts due to that fall. a slight turn to my left sends a painful spike down my spine..

now im afriad, thats why im going for a check up.
it neer ends with the pain though.....

fishing my thoughts;

I don’t mean to feel like this
Don’t mean to think like this
My heart just has to be shown
That the love that I gave you
That’s the love that I got from you


I need to be safe and secure
Don’t forget to remember me

Remember me; T.I. feat Mary.J.Blige

"you know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy;

even if you're not part of their happiness"

the functionary;

I used to be your shadow, when you were alone.

I used to be your shoulder, when you needed to cry.

I used to be your smile, when you needed to be happy.

I used to live on a simple concept, when you were still my friend.
And that is; I'll be me, whenever you need a friend.

-

I still live by it, but no longer practice it..

where's that fuse for ego?

Disorientated;

"The distance between us today, is not a phenomenon..

it's a casualty that might bring us closer again tomorrow"..

the most out poured emotional quote that i thought of..

but something's still bothering me..

-

Agree with me?

This is the only place i have left to tell you things..

don't stop posting..

Irrelavent

Its been days, and quotes seem to come to my mind. words pop up as if it was telling me something. so i started writting them down.. but all i that i had penned down, is totally irrelavant.. why am i seeing these words all of a sudden.. when these quotes or whatsoever come to mind, i grab my phone and just text them down a save them.. maybe you should read it.. tell me something i don't know...

"its hard to see your friends change into someone different from whom you used to know.
But its even harder to demand a change, when you're desperate for a helping hand."

"Finding ways to convince people that you're fine would not help yourself."

"when things don't go your way,
its because you don't want them to be."

"Turning fiction to fact is believing that the fiction is no doubt a fact.
and holding on to that belief is dominance"

"Pain and hurt makes us strong.

but the urge for happiness makes us weak."

"Forgetting the past is one thing,

but to relive it again is another."

"When friends are said to be lost,

new ones tend to come along."

"being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.

it means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

-end-